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Bless me blogspirit cause I have sinned, it had been I don't know how fucking long since my last confession.

The truth is that I'm depressed and going through one of those comes-in-waves anxiety attack.

Pros? Unlike a full blown panic attack, I can still eat and I dont' think the world is ending right now.
Cons? I don't know how long it's going to last, but it just feel like nothing good is ever going to happened and I can't find the energy or motivation to do anything but endlessly surf the Internet, read stupid things and make myself feel worse.

There's a bunch of reasons or rather explanations to this state of affairs - worried about the future, worried about money, worried about getting old, worried that I made a mistake with getting a dog, the lack of passion in my marriage, work work work (and no work). Mostly I feel like my life is rushing toward a Cliff, that I'm about to fall to disasters and that I'm helpless to do anything about it.

I find myself day dreaming about traffic accident, a fire in the house, a prolong and difficult illness, maybe death even - anything that will make everyone sympethise with me and take any responsiabillity away from myself. I know it's stupid and pathetic. I know I'm stupid and pathetic.

I find myself dreaming about a day job, something mindless in which I don't have to prove myself or be creative, one of those lives in which you wake up early in the morning, rush to the train, spend 8 hours in an annoying place, maybe a book store or a beauty salon and come home tired, eat your dinner, watch a movie and go to sleep, leaving no time or energy for brooding.
It would cover the rent, but probably nothing else, and I won't have time to make art or do craft or shoot. Sadly, it would be more money then I'm making now.

I just don't feel passionate about anything now (or as it feels, anymore), like all this time I've been forcing myself to make art and do stuff just to be loved or liked, and now, I don't even care about that, cause there's no love anyway and all I wanted was pathetic attention.

I don't think anyone will read this post, which is why I'm writing it.