home world

This uncomfortableness of having too much coffee and not being able to sit without moving without feeling like I'm forgetting something or that everything is going wrong.

It's Christmas eve 2007 and we are at the apartment, Ned's editing pictures from Saturday's shoot, he's frustrated, the photos came out beautiful, bur he keeps getting out of his sit and wonder around, then sit again and move things again and again. I'm sitting at the desk and drawing tarot cards.

We were listing to Bill Callahan's "Woke on the Whaleheart" for the second time today, after a couple of months of listening to audio books it's strange to sit and listen to music, wordy thought comes to my mind, ones that I don't like to think, just circular fears and stresses and things I needed to do and forgot or ignored and that a story with words in it helps me push away.

You bring out the soft side in everyone
We gather like ravens on a rusty scythe
Just to watch such a little dove

- Honeymoon Child

My best friend in Israel has a new girlfriend. they've been seeing each other for a couple of months, she just moved in with him and they plan to go on vacation together. It makes me sad to think of it, not because they are together but because I never got to be a part of it, like the new 2 Shekels coins or my cousin's wedding or my sister's resent hospitalization, I'm only getting shadows, reflections and second hand rumors, I get the aftertaste of things, and not the things.
We were laying in bed a few hours ago, and he said "I love you and I'm happy that we beat the odds" and I asked what he meant and he said that he's happy that we got together and made a home for ourselves, even though it meant changes and sacrifices for both of us, and I though about my friend in Israel and started to cry. It made me sad to call 2 places "Home".

My ex just got the papers for the apartment, my sister's going to take care of going to the lawyer and receiving the check on Thursday. Ever since I send out those paper, I have all those dreams about the past, about me and him and our live together, mixed up with my life now. I dream about having to go back to Israel and him trying to get back together with me. I dream about him kicking me out of my home, I dream about being sexually frustrated as I was, back then. I dream rushed intense dreams about hurrying from one place to the other, as if in severing that last legal connection, I loose the right to ever think or feel anything about the past.

She was dancing so hard
She danced herself into a diamond
Dancing all by herself
Dancing all by herself
And not minding

- Diamond Dancer

Gryson came before, we were sitting in the house and then went out, He just broke up with his girlfriend. He was sad and confused, last year at the same time, his father died. There was so much sadness in him, the heaviness of grief. "She means so much more to me, now that she's gone" he said, and I thought about his work as an archivist and how the past gets to be so important just because it something that already happened. that in memory we can give meaning to things as we see fit. How different things become different as time goes by, like those smooth pieces of sea glass, like vintage toys, like family pictures. I thought about getting old, about being old, about death and loneliness. I thought about my grandparents and how I should call them.

I just got my green card the other day. It was one of those things that looks huge from afar but up close are very small. Suddenly, there was not much excitement about it, it was just done. I can go to visit Israel now, if I choose to,  I'm scared to go, I'm scared to have to deal with seeing or not seeing my parent, each option would be meaningful in a different way. I'm scared of feeling like a stranger in my home town, I'm scared of walking through Tel Aviv like I walked as an adult in the play ground of my old school and thinking "how small".

hen you were blind, you touch things for their shape
have faith in wordless knowledge

-  From The Rivers To The Ocean