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I can't remember the dream, but when I wake up I know that it was bad. "holiday song" but the pixies still play in my ears maybe from the dream and maybe I turned on the music before falling a sleep. There is confinement, and the notion of something really horrible happening if I break the rules. I can''t remember what it was, reality mixed up with the past and too much wine that I just had in a party into this nasty feeling that I couldn't really placed because I couldn't remember anything but that panici feeling of confinement, and that bad taste you get in your mouth when you fall asleep in the afternoon without brushing your teeth before and then wake up from a dream at almost midnight.

At the party before, I knew that having that wine was a bad idea, but that girl Candice kept pouring it and I kept drinking it and it was nice and I was feeling too awkward as it was being around people after look weeks of social solitude. We were sitting in the back yard and her dog was barking at the dog in the other back yard and she took out this bark collar and threatened the dog she'll put it on, he took one look at it and hid under the table, he turned and look at me, and his eyes looked so sad. We were joking about it, I really couldn't care less, I don't think it's inhuman, especially living in a big city, to do what you can to teach a dog not to bark all the time, I don't think that a mild electrical shock would be a bad thing, maybe because found it a turn on, or maybe because of the dog's face, I carried that image with me into my dream.

It sucks that I can't remember more, then at least I would know what's bothering me so much now.

On the motorcycle, on the way home, I was thinking about my ex, usually when I get angry thoughts on the motorcycle, I think of my parents.

I don't know why I got so upset, it was all so old, but since I need to take care of the legal documents of the apartment, the only thing that still keep us talking to one another, and I haven't, I guess I'm actually angry with myself. Maybe it's the fact that his wife is supposed to be having a baby this month.

The only thing I remember from that dream is that it happened in Jerusalem and that my friend Karen was there. Waking up I thought I should look her up, then I thought, that I probably would never find her online, last time we talked, 3 and a million years ago, she didn't even have an e-mail and she had no intention of getting into computers, then I wondered whether I wanted her in my life again, 3 thoughts even before I started moving out of this dream state and opening my mouth hard to loosen my jaws and let my ears pop. The noise from outside, a truck on the BQE, air moving, just life, sounded so loud I felt like I was drowning in it, like I would never be able to sleep again in so much noise, then I thought that that last thought was far too close to anxiety and that I shouldn't think about that anymore.

Then I thought about everything I wanted to do that evening, finishing an art submission due tomorrow, finish the painting, cut a stencil, design new business cards, work on the website, answer e-mails, watch a movie, and I felt bad about falling asleep and the way that evening was taken away from me by myself.

I stopped writing my blog because it became too hard, offline flooded the online life and the past flooded the present. I don't like writing about what was, I like writing about what is, now, at this moment, but in that dream I felt so overwhelmed by the echos of the past, as if my existence in the now, is a very thin coating, as if holding os much inside, I would never be able to move out of a very confiding back yard.