home world

Last night when we were in bed,
you were touching me.
And then you stopped.

You look scared, you said.
And I nodded.

 You like like you look when you want me to hurt you, you said.
And I nodded.
I want you to tell me, you said, what are you feeling,
it seem like such a privet place, and I want to know,
I want to be a part of it.

I couldn't answer.
Or rather, I didn't want to.

I wanted to be penetrated by your body,
and not, by your words.

But what I was feeling then, before you stopped:

Helpless,
Submissive,
Out of control,
Serene,

Like I'm a baby,

Too small for words.

Too small to be handling my body,
too small to even move.

Like it's too heavy for me, to so anything with and it was all left for you.

To have,
to touch,
to hurt,
to love.

I wanted you to take over. not just at that moment, in bed, but always.

I wanted you to put me in a dipper or carry me to the bathroom, whenever I needed to go.
I wanted you to undress me.
I wanted you to dress me
and feed me
I wanted to be forbidden of doing things.
I wanted to be told what to do.

I wanted that helplessness to penetrate and take over.
Everything.

I didn't want words and thought, to take over
That moment.

When you pulled back, like that,
when you forced me to think.
I felt abandoned.
I felt tricked.

Like you brought me to a forest, just to leave me there, to find my way back on my own.

I felt ashamed
for wanting
what I wanted.

I was angry, I wanted to yell at you, and cry and slam the door.
Just so I don't have to feel this shame.

It scars me that you don't want to be rough on me.