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It wasn't something in specific it wasn't a touch in a different place or a more passionate kiss, just this subtle shift, almost unnoticeable, like this sliver shade of color, an invisible rainbow, that can be seen when light break through the window, or some bitter aftertaste that makes the sweet even more sweet then it was a moment ago, but I just knew that he's going to touch me in a different way that night. As we were coming back from dinner with a friend and his hand was holding mine and he kissed me , I already felt the buds of something else, something new.

I don't know if he had it planed already, or if it was just something in the way that he held himself that changed, that made me excited and wet and a little scared as we walked up the stairs and opened the door to the apartment, I don't know what I was expecting exactly, we set on the bad and talked about the conversation we just had in the restaurant, about photography and things that went on today. He wanted to show me a book by some artist, but couldn't find it, I suggested we look the artist up on the computer, we were standing in front of the screen trying to find some of his pictures. He stood behind me, his belly against my back, my ass against his cock. It wasn't even sexual, or maybe the main thing about what I felt wasn't sexual. I wanted to have sex with him, but it all had a darker tint to it, this feeling of being swiped of my feet.

He pushed me forward into the edge of the tall desk, The air knocked off mt breaths as the edge of the desk pressed against my belly, I was afraid that he's going to stop, I don't know why, it was sex, but it wasn't sex yet, and the way his body felt against my back, against my ass and thighs I felt like if he'll back away now, I'll just fall to the ground, I wouldn't have the strength to hold myself standing, he took a pair of scissors that was on the desk and pushed the edge of it into my bellybutton, it wasn't sharp it didn't cut me but knowing that something that can be dangerous was penetration me like that, it was scary.He pushed me farther into the desk, I started breathing fast, faster.

Then he moved back and I felt dizzy, he took my hand I almost fall, he pushed me down. I felt tied up, I felt bounded even though there was no ropes involved, I didn't want to move or do a thing, I just wanted to react to his  touch, his smell, the taste of his sweat was already in my mouth, salty. He adjusted my posture on the bed, putting the pillows under my neck, I wanted to look and I didn't want to look. He reached for the window ledge and took a strap of leather that we got a long time ago, when i was here in December, he lifted my Tshirt and slapped my better with it, the strap landed with that leather on skin sound, high pitch slap, I scream, more out of fear then out of pain, the next one, slightly more painful, I don't scream, I don't want him to stop. It's not even that physical sensation of the pain right now - it's the fact that he can do that to my body, that my arms will stay laid down on the mattress and not push him and the pain away, cause I trust him, cause I want him to do this to me.

My face are focused on the ceiling and I feel him press something cold and metallic against my nipples , then pushes in down my pants, something hard. It does not rub against my cunt, but just feeling something heavy and cold next to my skin, makes me push my pelvic forward, makes me want to get him to touch me there.  

He rub his hand against my armpit, I swatted so much today, and he put his hand under my nose for me to smell myself, I feel dirty, unclean, aroused. The he gets up, my eyes want to follow him see what he's doing, I want to say "Don't go" but I don't. He can just go while I'm so engage to the moment so into the body sensations I can't even get up. I feel exposed, naked, even though I'm still dressed. He walks back to the computer desk, for one horrible moment I think "what if he just sits down to work and forget about me?, would I just stay in bed and wait for him, wanting his touch so much I feel bound? how long will I stay that way? I really don't know" I hear him pick up something from the desk and walk back to the bed. he sits nest to me, look at me, his eyes look amused, distance, inspecting.

He lights a cigarette, and blow the smoke into the air, he bring the lighter close to my breast, it's not searing hot, but it's still warm, the fear is bigger hen the burn feeling as he touch the tip of my nipple with it. I'm breathing fast, I'm scared, I don't know what he's going to do, but that look on his face, in his eyes makes me feel like he can do anything and more then that, that I will not object to anything right now. He takes another puff of his cigarette, and another one. Then almost without moving, he flicks the ashes on my belly, as it falls, I can feel it's warmth, but burning, but hot, just for a second before it cools down.

A part of me is terrified, a part of my is disgusted, I don't like cigarettes, weird enough I don't mind the smell too much or the sight, I just don't like the whole thing, I don't like the way they feel, even the box, in my hand. A childhood memory crawl into my mind, going to the grocery store to buy a pack of cigarettes for my mother and holding it with just two fingers too disgusted to actually hold it in my whole hand, as if I can catch this bad habit just from touching the box. Another memory, a friend going into a store asking me to hold the cigarette for her till she gets out, and I do, and I hate it, I hate standing in the middle of the street and holding that cigarette, I don't want people to think I'm smoking it. I hold it till she comes out and hand it over right away, all shaken up and not quite knowing why.

I almost feel disappointed from how much this turned me on, and I don't quite know why it effected me so much, he reach between my legs and play with my clit, I whimper, I don't want to admit to myself how ready I am to cum, how sexy and open what he just did made me, but it overcomes, that bog orgasm, that just washes through me in an uncontrollable whimpering wave. He doesn't stop, he puts his fingers into me, pressed down, till I can feel the walls of my vagina pushed down, till I can feel it through my ass. I cum again, he flicks the cigarette ashes on my belly again and again. I feel dirty. Then I feel him bending over me, I'm opening my eyes to look at him, and see him spit on my belly into my bellybutton.

His Cigarette's almost done, he bring it down to my belly, I can feel a warmth from it, as he pushes it into the pull of spit in my bellybutton and I know it's not burning anymore, he brings his fingers to my nose so I can smell the ash and nicotine, I feel like throwing up, I feel so bad from being so turned on by it. I feel so many things, and then I just feel his hand rubbing against my clit, and everything else disappears.