home world

I was feeling half OK yesterday, I manage to work and everything, in the evening I came home and though I was aware of the noises from outside, it didn't bother me so much, not even when a couple of dogs started a barking contest. We set and talked on-line and I know I made an effort to be more myself and to share and talk, big part of me was actually there, talking, enjoying his company after a few days of separation on account of his big trip to the wedding. I was feeling fine, well maybe not fine but I thought I already went through the lowest point of this, really I was. Later on I went to my neighbor's apartment, we talked some, mostly about his problems and watched a DVD. I felt as if I was getting better. I went back to my apartment at around midnight, he was waiting for me on his side of the camera and we talked some more. A stupid misunderstanding between the two of us, I thought he wanted some time to take care of some things and he was feeling deserted and we talked about that for another half an hour or so and then I went to bed.

I was tired, my eyes wanted to sleep, but my mind wouldn't calm down, I was in bed, reading, then a dog outside started barking again cause a garbage truck or an airplane passed, and I woke up, I was anxious, really bad, I didn't want to take another pill, I already took one the night before and the one before that, I'm afraid my body will get used to them and they won't help even a little anymore, I'm also scared of addiction, and frankly - that I'll run out and won't have that option anymore. There was some music outside, someone watching TV, an occasional car or bike, the dog, people talking, airplanes, I thought of how crowded the world's becoming how there is just going to be more and more noises as times goes by. I was hot and cold and hot, the windows were open just a slight, I wanted to open them to cool off and close them cause of the noise. I just wanted to sleep. I read half a page, my eyes would start to shut then taking of my glasses some noise would make me jumpy and I would wake up again. The noises became more and more unbearable and everything reminded me of something frightening.

A cool and very weak breeze came from outside and tingles my sweaty face and neck, I felt drenched in water, and I knew I smell like death, my belly ached, I counted back and realized that ever since Friday, all I eat and drank was 3 cookies, 3 cups of water, one bottle of Ice tea, 1/3 of a can of sprite 2 cups of sugar water with mint and lemon, 2 cups of artificial grape juice. I thought about getting sick from not eating, I thought about dying in my bed from lack of food or a heart attack and nobody realizing it till my body decomposed and I'm all rotten on the inside.

I wanted a pill, I wanted to grab my MP3 player and go to bed with headphones on, there was light in the apartments outside, it was 2:30 and I tried to calculate when all those people finally go to sleep. Whenever it got quite I started thinking of New York, his neighborhood have a carnival now, they have it every year, close to his house, all that noise, I thought about all the events, all the people and everything that's scary in the new city, the new apartment.

Eventually I broke, I took the MP3 player and fall asleep listening to an audio book.

I dreamed about taking the bus I go on everyday to it's last station which was in New York, it didn't look like New York it was half indoors and half outside, like a large mall or something I found my way to the restaurant he sometime eats in and I wanted to take a picture for him, of me near the restaurant, like he does every morning when he go out to eat, but I couldn't find the camera in my bag. Then I went on walking, and I felt happy cause in my dream I wasn't in anxiety anymore and I thought - I have to eat, I run into a branch of one of my favorite coffee places in Tel Aviv that just opened in New York, I went out and ordered a sandwich, the guy at the counter took a slice of bread and put some jam on it to let me taste it, it was good, but it dripped over my feet. I looked down and felt it sticky and uncomfortable. I was wearing a dress and knee socks, I went into the bathroom to take the socks of and wash my sandals, they were new, made of white leather and very delicate. As I was washing them I started to worry that the water would ruin them. I woke up sweating and went back to sleep.

I kept the headphones on and the recording running till I woke up by the alarm clock after 4 hours of sleep.


It didn't get better through the day, I forced myself to eat a sandwich at lunch 2 slices of low calories bread, humus and one slice of pastrami. I hated the way it tasted, it made me feel sick and weaker then I felt before, afterwards I felt so tired, as if my body's collapsing on the inside. But not tired to fall asleep, every noise makes me more anxious. I couldn't even forget myself in work. I drank a cup of sugared tea in the morning. But couldn't bring myself to drink or eat more later on.

Then the phone rang, it was my ex, he just got back from India 2 days ago, he asked me how I was doing, and I told him about flying to New York in a couple of weeks, I told him I was really stressed, that i haven't been this stressed since the two of us broke up. He told me he wanted to buy my share of the apartment from me, which is really good news, but I couldn't even be happy about that, I can't be happy about anything right now, not about moving to a new and exciting place, not about moving in with the man I love not about getting married, nothing exist but this pain. We talked for a bit, he told me about is new girlfriend and how she came to visit him in India while he was there cause she missed him and how it made him feel really nice. He told me about work and living at his parents now. All I had to tell him was of stress. I hated it, but his voice was comforting to me, I wanted to cry afterwards, my throat feels choked with tears since morning, and I can't let them out.

He wants us to meet before I fly away, I told him I'll give him a call tomorrow, I hope I'll feel strong enough to do that. I hope I won't feel anxious anymore, there's still a lot of things I need to do before I go and right now I can't take care of anything not even myself. I'm thinking a lot about death in those days, I'm thinking about loosing the will to live cause the anxiety robs me of everything that's important and dear to me. I feel so sick, like I'm never going to be well again.