home world

And so and now I'm sorry I missed you
I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain
It went the dull and wicked ordinary way

- The National, Alligator

I've been home, by myself for the past two hours after trying to avoid spending an evening, or at least a part of an evening alone for a while. The past couple of days were very realistic, I took a break from myself for a day or two, hanging mostly in other people's minds and lives, trying not to think or feel mine to much. It's odd suddenly to fall into this comforteblness in my life for a few days that were a little less aware and self judgmental then the usual me.

But I missed myself, It's hard to land back into my apartment and my thoughts and the familiar yet still new in my life objects, like the small Japanese tea pot or the 4 small stools I sit on. My life, even now, are still split by the break up, everything I had from before - the computer, the bed, the books, is considered old, and everything I got since then, is considered new. There's a very slow process of change, of the things that belonged to the two of us, breaking or ending or just getting new meanings and detouching from us, as a couple.

The last role of a 48 pack of toilet paper’s finishing now, some of the spices in the closet were bought when we were still together, ordinary day to day objects, socks and cleaning products and soy sauce and printer's toner, all still belong, on some level, to me as a part of a couple. But time consume everything, and both objects and emotions are bound to wither and die at some point.

And then there are people, post break up people, even some I've been seeing for a while now, like a friend I meet 2 days ago are still considered new and not to be trusted, Clients at work that were introduced to me 4 months ago and to whom I talk to a couple of times a week, a girl that came to work in the office over 5 months ago, they are all considered unfamiliar yet.

Those past few days, I spend all of my evenings with before the break up friends. People who I feel comfortable with, that I feel I can trust. And yet I felt a stranger some of the time, like the depth of my thought and this blog and myself, as I am today, doesn't really reveal itself with them, like maybe the reason I wanted to be with those people to remind myself of how I was back then, for the one last time, to be that person, cause I do feel that I am saying good bye, like I'm getting ready for the next chapter of my life, one without the emotional shadow. Maybe I'm done mourning for myself.

A pre break up friend called today explaining to me that he's holding his birthday party in my ex's apartment and telling me he's telling me this only so I won't get insulted for not being invited in case I hear about the party from someone else. The awkwardness of being what used to be a part of a couple's still present, not only in my life but in the world around me. It's not so much that I cared for not being invited, it's the fact that this talk just dragged me back into the person I used to be, into the person that's only a half of a couple and not an individual of her own.