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I'm still waiting for that storm to pass.

After a couple of half normal days, being busy with work and the wedding and this whole week of just living without anything too dramatic happening with my family. And after a few nights of feeling like I’m getting lost in everyday life, days in which I lost my words, lie I can't write or draw or create an original thought.

This is not true. I did wrote in here, I did make several drawings, I did talk to a couple of people.

This is light the weight thing, being so twisted and deformed by anxiety I can't even see straight. Look in the mirror and I see hips of fat I feel my pants sticking to my thighs, I start feeling back pains like those I had when I was more over weighted, then I go to the gym and weight myself and it turns out I didn't gain any, it was just all in my head.

I feel like a failure. Like I can't do anything right.

Which I know for a fact isn't true.

But I still feel like it.

I had big plans for tonight, there's loads of parties and activities and stuff going on in Tel Aviv tonight, but as I lay on the mat in yoga class the outlines of some inner process that I was too afraid to face are starting to surface. I dare not look on it yet, but I can see some outlines, like siluates in the dark. I can feel a struggle between two different parts of myself. Something lost and something gained, but I can't tell what those things are, all I know is that I’m giving up on something, which hurts me to loose. I think of people that I’ve lost, I think of my ex, of that friend who left me when she first heard of my depression, and of another 2 who just disappeared, one of them could be dead now, I don't know. Later in the shower I cry for him without knowing why.

I'm trying to make guesses but just let thing blow away.

I want to be able to trust the people in my life to love me enough not to disappear, but it feels that with their disappearance I stop existing. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I'm sitting here at this desk eating a slice of toast and grasping at any shred of self control not to pour myself a drink.

I'm on the bus, and I'm listening to an audio version of fightclub, something about perfection only lasting a minute and that's enough. And I start to cry, big tears rolling down my cheeks uncontrollable, and I don't even care though when I notice someone glaring at me, I turn and face the window.

I'm listening to my favorite song of the week which is Ava Adore by Smashing Pumpkins, and I cry till I get of the bus and go home.

In you I see dirty
In you I count stars
In you I feel so pretty
In you I taste god
In you I feel so hungry
In you I crash cars
We must never be apart