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Bless me blogspirit cause I have sinned, it had been I don't know how fucking long since my last confession.

The truth is that I'm depressed and going through one of those comes-in-waves anxiety attack.

Pros? Unlike a full blown panic attack, I can still eat and I dont' think the world is ending right now.
Cons? I don't know how long it's going to last, but it just feel like nothing good is ever going to happened and I can't find the energy or motivation to do anything but endlessly surf the Internet, read stupid things and make myself feel worse.

There's a bunch of reasons or rather explanations to this state of affairs - worried about the future, worried about money, worried about getting old, worried that I made a mistake with getting a dog, the lack of passion in my marriage, work work work (and no work). Mostly I feel like my life is rushing toward a Cliff, that I'm about to fall to disasters and that I'm helpless to do anything about it.

I find myself day dreaming about traffic accident, a fire in the house, a prolong and difficult illness, maybe death even - anything that will make everyone sympethise with me and take any responsiabillity away from myself. I know it's stupid and pathetic. I know I'm stupid and pathetic.

I find myself dreaming about a day job, something mindless in which I don't have to prove myself or be creative, one of those lives in which you wake up early in the morning, rush to the train, spend 8 hours in an annoying place, maybe a book store or a beauty salon and come home tired, eat your dinner, watch a movie and go to sleep, leaving no time or energy for brooding.
It would cover the rent, but probably nothing else, and I won't have time to make art or do craft or shoot. Sadly, it would be more money then I'm making now.

I just don't feel passionate about anything now (or as it feels, anymore), like all this time I've been forcing myself to make art and do stuff just to be loved or liked, and now, I don't even care about that, cause there's no love anyway and all I wanted was pathetic attention.

I don't think anyone will read this post, which is why I'm writing it.

Waiting for my first cup of coffee to have alone thing morning. The stove is boiling it now.

Awaken from a dream that was both in the past and now. I was trying to show Ned an old news paper clipping of an article that was about a specific street corner. It had my photo in it, but looking at the paper I realized that I recognize all the other people who were shot in the article, maybe 20 photos of different people all shot with the same street corner behind them. The reason that I didn't recognize them back then when the article was published, was that I got to know all of them after. About 20 people that I met randomly, or through friends in different times in my life, from different countries, all turned out to be right there.

coffee is ready, we have no milk, I spill it on my fingers as I'm walking back to the computer, it's scolding hot.

So all those people, random people from my life, was there, in the photos and suddenly, my life seemed to be constrained in this rigid pattern, claustrophobic in it's neat master-plan, I wasn't aware of at all.

Later in the dream, Ned and I were meeting an old friend for dinner. Ned and I were heading to the restaurant, but the friend walked the other way. Ned went ahead to get us a table, and I went back to get the friend. He was very tall, and as he walked he laid his head on my shoulder. He was talking about his last relationship, being sad and disoriented, he was putting all his wight on me, burdening me with the stories and his body. Then we run into another guy I know, someone I used to talk to online years ago, he was also feeling like shit, he told me about his trouble, and pulled on my hand on the other side, I had to listen to both of them and give them both all my attention while trying to still walk toward the restaurant, knowing that the more Ned will wait for us, the more he'll be upset and hungry when we get there.

The second guy start rambling about owing me 75 cents for some tole money years ago, and I say "forget about it", then he start getting really upset, he yells "I always pay up my debt, I would not have you thinking that I'm one of THOSE people who don't give back" he start going through his pockets, his hand sticks in there and he's leaning on me hard to try and get it out, and I start telling the first guy to move his head from my shoulder cause he is hurting me, he does it for a second but then lean on me again. Eventually the second guy manage to get his hand out of the pocket but all the coins scatter on the sidewalk and we have to stop till he picks them all up.

Woke up in panic, trying to calm down now.

So this was the dream, though the plot is sort of fuzzy. I was kidnapped by 2 guys, one was old, like 70 maybe and the other was a young black guy, now in the dream my chacacter switched between being actually myself and being someone else who might have been a man (I was wearing a suite and tie and sort of looked like a manm but I'm not sure about the actual sex).

The guys that kidnapped me were supposed to teach me how I was supposed to behave then pass me on to a third guy in a different country. What I was supposed to learn was not to speak. But I just couldn't. Everytime someone asked a question, I answered it, even if they didn't speak to me.

Everytime I did speak, they punished me by beating me with a stick, it was not erotic in any way. And it was just the same everytime. Like cause and effect - you speak, you get beaten, that's that.

And yet, the words just came out of my mouth without hesitation, without me being able to control my oown speech, just like I couldn't control the beating that followed.

Then we were supposed to get on a boat to go to Itali and I was standing next to the black guy. He was looking to the horizon and smiling, and for the first time, in the dream, he felt very human, and I was thinking "don't speak or you'll be punished", but then I did speak, I said " you are really happy to go, aren't you?" And he turned to me and smiled and had a surprised look on his face, like wondering why anyone would bother to eknowlage his emotions.

And I felt like something in that interaction was what they were trying to teach me to begin with, but I was punished anyway.