home world

Next discovery in the clearing out all the mess project.

I found my sketchbook from my Israel trip on March 2008. And never got around to scanning.

It's strange to look at it now, the words are so sad and I remember the feeling of feeling so lonely without Ned and so estranged in the city I call home. Also, it's amazing to think of how long it's been since I've been there, since I met my friends, my sisters, my dad.

I really want to go again, I'm scared also, scared to see how much I've changed and how much it changed and of dealing with the practicality of financial issues, my social security status, my bank account and everything else that i have neglected. From dealing or not dealing with my family.

I'm going to turn 34 this Friday.

I usually get sort of depressed before birthdays.

It always feel like i haven't accomplished enough in the last year and that, in my mind, I'm supposed to be in a different place then I actually am. I think also, that being afar from Israel and my family makes this worth, I feel like I don't have any roots where I live, and that my life here is based on borrowed time.

I keep having dreams about the past, and about a strange chain of event that makes me leave Ned and New York and go back to Israel, go back to my old apartment, then to my ex boyfriend and the apartment we had together, then back and back into my past personal history.

I'm thinking about the future and the choices I made. I'm thinking about growing old and having, or not having children.

I'm thinking about Ned and I separating and me being all alone in the world. I'm thinking about my mother saying "I told you so".

On Monday, I went to buy a present for my dad, his birthday is one day before me, and though usually I get books for birthdays, I decided to spend less on shipping this year and more on the gift and decided to get him a small iPod. I got one for me to.

I opened it yesterday and was more excited about the clear plastic box the the actual product, it was really beautiful. Ned and I talked about making something out of it. I thought about making a paper butterfly and putting it in the box like those preserved insects displays.

In the morning we found a dead butterfly on the floor. It came into the apartment a couple of days ago, I thought it found it's way out and flew away, but as it turned out, it died. I put it in the box, a gift from the world to me.

It feels very symbolic, maybe this is about changing, or about getting old, or about preserving the present for the future. Maybe this is about the fact that life, even after it's gone, is cooler and more beautiful then an iPod can ever be, maybe i'm just grasping at strews to verbalize feeling so sad and heavy.

We both work up feeling like shit again. I barley had any sleep last night, Ned and I both woke up with a sore throat and feeling all groggy and achy.

We went to the Doctor, it feels like this mild flue feeling keeps coming back every time we are feeling stressed or having a lot of work.

We have a huge shoot over the weekend, and an important meeting tomorrow. The Doctor told us to gargle salt water and gave us an antibiotic prescription in case we get a fever.

We talked about it on the way back home and decided to take the antibiotic anyway. Cause we are both feeling sick too much lately. I don't know why, but caving in and taking those pills makes me feel sort of rotten about  myself, like I'm too weak to beat a flue on my own. I know it's the right thing to do though.

I fall asleep when we got back and had a 5 hours nap. I'm still tired, and not feeling as well as I want, but I'm glad I'm taking care of this. Ned's nose keeps bleeding today, from the heat and the snot.

The doctor we saw today asked me if I want to see a dermatologist about my skin, he said - you scratch it and you might end up having some scars, which actually I do already have.

He gave me the number of a dermatologist and talked about some antibiotic that you need to take for a while to get the skin better, whatever.

It bother me that it's not as smooth and nice and look all normal and such. However, I'm trying to think of how wrecking my inside with months of antibiotic just to look pretty is something a doctor should recommend me to do.

Damn superficial society.

Maybe it just hurt my feelings that he mentioned it and now I'm looking for reasons to dislike him.